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[Jul. 14th, 2004|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
its so strange. How when ever you want something so bad and finally after all the waiting you get it but somehow it doesnt satisfy the desire, theres still the urge for wanting something else, maybe not something conpletely new, but the thing you wouldnt doen anything to replace with wat you wanted, wat you now have instead of it. is this ... i dunno... process all there is to life? you yearn for something so much, you get it, den it just doesnt mean anything to you. Does this happen to everyone or is it just me? am i the only one who just isnt able to satisfy herself? Every year, around june, i get the same feeling, a feeling that lasts for pretty much the whole summer. Its not really much of a feeling as it is an urge, a yearning for change. But the thing is that i got that last year, and still no satisfaction came my way. As a matter of fact, at one time i even yearned for what i had before. Is this only happening because its the only way that im going to find myself? will it stop once im found? am i the only person who feels this lost? its so frustrating having to go through the same routine every day and knowing nothing worth while is going to happen. Its so frustrating not being satisfied with all the people you laugh with every day. The people who were with you when you just couldnt avoid the pain in your stomach from laughing so hard, its so hard comprehending how in truth you cant stand listening to their bull shit, the bull shit that convinced you only for that first second when you heard it. But then you think again and you say, how can you call that bull shit, it is after all how they see the world. But then again why must you be exposed to such views which only allow you to see the world so insignificantly when its not. And den again another voice inside of you is screaming, you're looking too hard in the world of insignificancy. Yet could this analysis just be a doorway to real logic? could insignificancy be what needs to be looked into? I think so. Whenever im drawn into deep conversation of matters not discussed occasionally, matters that are very contraversial, the person attempting to intriuge me with their views on those matters somehow manages to only lower my opinion of them, with this said, i must question myself. something most might easily guess is that im a person who hardly ever changes her point of view, her morals. So it should be understandable how hard it is for me to ask myself whether the problem is me looking into matters too closely. What does this tell me about me?
ive made mistakes, many of them. Today i told myself, i should be mad at those friends who although unintentional, constantly make me feel bad about myself. However, is it possible that the only explanation for this is that i allow it? Ive never stood up for myself when practically all my friends (or not?) have labelled me as blonde. At times i even went with it. Its only lately that ive realized how wrong that was. Yet now comes another inside me screaming that i should be much more stronger than blame myself for when such things happen. HOw weak will i be seen if im standing here taking the blame for the words of others... yet again these others arent just any others, they are friends, people who would never intentionally hurt me... or are they? what i hate most and im sure many will agree is dishonesty when it comes to friendship, however i cannot be a hipporcrit, i myself have led many people thinking that i am a friend when in truth they have never meant anything to me. Not so long ago, what i am about to say would never be official until i have had the "ok" of a friend, which afterwards would have steamed me up more than necessary, however today, i tell those who object or just lack faith in what i am proposing to-
GO FUCK URSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
be quite assured that i mean to offence by this. However, i refuse to stand for anymore of the critism, or disapproval, ive always thought myself to be a very stong person, however i must be honest, i dont think i ever really was that strong of a person contrary to the image seen by outsiders. But now i refuse to be the following:
weak
blonde
fake
dishonest
THE GIRL I REALLY AM IS NOT A BLONDE. I dont exactly know why im putting this entry out, but i thought it would be a good way to begin the change, b/c although usually i would have left it to something else to bring change in my life, this time im going to make my own changes, changes I (!!!) want. |
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[Jun. 30th, 2004|12:49 pm] |
whewww... its been quite a whileee!
well... dis summer so far isnt really going exactly as planneeeedd..... suckiness!!!
ive been so blahhhh lately..! its horriblllleee..!!!
omg i saw notebook last nite.. suchhhhh a goooood movieee!!!! i loveeeddd ittt!!!!!!!!! it was sooooo cuutee!!! i went wit ally.... ooo and she cut les cheveux aussieee..!! ive got bangs nowww :O
nywayss... back to notebook!
soooo goood n dat guy.. like wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! he even looked hot witthhhh the beard!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg it was very awesomee... oh n we saw a bunch of ppll der too.. first it was katee n her dad... den it was danielle n dis guys chris whome ive never met b4.. who is he danielle???? n deennnn we maryginsallins wit her justin... it was all very cute.. and i saw her hair and i was like :O:O:O OMG HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it looked sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fabulastic!!!!!!!!!!!!
n den we saw dis girl elnaz... and finalyy... we saw jackie n nicolee!!!!!
it was so cute... everyone in the place was cryingg... so sad.. but den i didnt cry n i just felt very unfitting... n den i felt bad. n den i thought der was somtin wrong wit me for not crying but still very good movie.. watch it!!!1
oh n it was soo weird cuz mary n justin were in the same theatre at the same time n we didnt see each other until we like went out of the place outsidishhh.. nywayysss... dats all i can remember for now.. tata! |
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[Jun. 16th, 2004|03:26 pm] |
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well.. today was soooooo funny... i went to starbuks wit ally... and we were at the bus stop and like dis 40 year old pedafile losin his hair and everything.. turns up the radio or w/e and he like unbuttoned his shirt and like flashed uss.. rubbing his nipples... it was sooooo gross.. n ally didnt notice she just kept on talking and talking and den she hears me scream ands all like waaa? and she looks at the guy... turns around... covers her eyes... and just starts shreiking soo cute... it was the funniest shit.. oh n i like nailed dat science exam awesomenesss <3 |
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[Jun. 15th, 2004|04:55 pm] |
OMG FUNNIEST SHIT HAPPENED TODCAYY!!
well.. firstly it was marys bday so happy b day.
and ill go from most recent
well.. i was locked out my hhouse.. but i knew dat my parents little balcony door thingy was opened and since i was in a skrit i couldnt climb.. bu tmary was in jeans so we go to my next door neighbour get a ladder.. and she climbs the ladder.. den gets over onto the balcony and she gets scared.. too scared to climb on to the safe side.. so shes just standing der trying to climb over while i raaan to get the camera from her bag.. it was soooooooooooooooooo funnyy!!!!!
i love u maryy
and den wen we were walking dis little girl comes up to us and shes like i know where u got dat poster from and marys like waat?? all scared and shit and she goes like U GOT I FROM THE STOOORREE!!! sooooo funny and cute
anyways.. i was buying marys bday present at lunch but like she kinda found out.. even tho i said i was buying cheese.. dont know how she could figure dat one out... the present is now called cheese
and i bought her dis mouse thingy dat sings the rocky theme song wit dis hilary duff poster so dat she could draw on it... :D:D:D ohhh and bubble gum
ok nyways im ganna go eat now loovee uuu ppl |
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[Jun. 15th, 2004|03:28 pm] |
dodododododooo..in skool...on da stupid old machine they calls computer.... marys beside me... doing herexam.. today was very meh... we went to wallmart... which was very amusing all dese mice were singing the rocky themesong... very amusing.. but den mary gotscared.. it was funny.. andi ended up buyingher one of dem for her birthday... it was very inconspicuous.... cough cough... i called the present cheeseeee... it was a very sexy chees... wow now im kinda hungry.. aww poo rmary cant do her exam.. shes having much trouble wit it... andi just helped.. eeeeeee...
anyways.. so i just hadmy english exam.. it was pretty easy consideringi didnt study for it.. but meh.. its english who studys.. anyway.. im ganna go be bored.. bye my sexy fags and faggets...much love |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|07:23 pm] |
soo.. here i am back at this fuckin machine dat just makes me deppressed writing another journal thingy...
ive been thinking a lot lately... and i ahve to admit dat dese past few months have been extreemely wierd on me.. like ive been acting so different and i just realized it... like... i dont think ive ever felt like dis b4 or saw myself like dis b4... like im not deppresed but im not content either.. im just.. nothing.. i dont know wat to be... i keep trying to find excuses for why im acting all undenaish.. but watever excuse i come up wit its not good enough and to be honest i really dont know why ive been like dis.. like i never used to let myself think bout shit too much .. but like lately its like i do is think about things dat pissed me off... and i really dont like how i feel... about everything... ever since dis year ive been branded as "the blonde"... and i dunno it never used to bug me.. and i guess it doesnt really bug me but i dunt know.. like everytime someone calls me a blonde like i get all wierd...
and like the people that i used to think knew me sooo well... dont.. and its really wierd.. like i get ppl saying shit like .. omg i can soooo imagine u doing sometin like dat wen in reality dats prolly the last thing id do and id tell dem um no i wouldnt do sometin like dat and the reaction do dat would just be denial from the other side and its fucked!!! wat u think im so blonde that i dont cant even identify wat i would and wouldnt do?
oh and one more thing.. message to nyone who's reading this "IM NOT FUCKING SHALLOW!!!"
and i dont mean shallow as in just like guys being hot shallow.. im really not shallow..
maybe its my own fault that ppl see me as a blonde shallow fag... like i didnt do nything to prevent the assumption of that did i? so i guess i shouldnt be blaming anyone but my self...
like ders so much shit dats pissing me off.. but den i start thinking bout the problems dat other ppl have and think dat why the fuck am i feeling dis way i should be happy i HAVE NO FUCKING RITE BEING PISSED OFF wen ders so much worst shit goin on in other pplz life but den again oops i forgot im shallow and selfish rite? so yup no surprise why i feel dis way... rite?
*to nyone who's reading dis take no offence plz... im just having a fucked up semester... i love u guys* |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|04:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | led zepelin-stairway 2 heaven-its actually a good song i lik | ] |
omg im soooooooooooooo tiiirredd!!!... so i went to tennis today.. again... and mary SOAKKEEEDDDDD meee with super COLDDD water!!! ANDDDD i was wearing whiteee!!!!!! it waas horribleee... but funny.. and wen we were playing... the ppl bside us were all good n shit and we sucked sooo bad.. even tho mary claims it was all me.. even tho i skooled her!! but yea it was pretyy embarassing.. oh and i was trying to get bak at her but by accident i spilled water the lady behind her.. IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EMBARassing.. but it made me laugh sooo harddd!! ... im sooo slepepy now.. but im bored... again... i wouldnt mind eating.. but i ate tooonnsss today!!! and its only 4!
anyways... sooo coollddd... |
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[Jun. 3rd, 2004|04:58 pm] |
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I JUST READ MELLISAS LIVE JOURNAL THING.. from a looonggg time ago and it was the funniesttttt thingg!!!!!!
apparantly she went on a date to the movies and saw her ex boyfriend there and she tried to make him jealous so she turned around and started making out wit her date... except that it wasnt her date... it was a complete stranger!!! lmao.. so she goes running into the theatre and like her date didnt see what was happening so like he's all confused bout why she ditched him... but den like her ex and the stranger walk in and the stranger ends up sitting beside her and her ex a few rows up front and b4 the movie started he turned round and he was like wow i didnt know 2 guys would agree to go on a date with you- lmaooo i laugheedd soooooooooo harrdd!!!- melissa hunn im sry but wooowwwww u prolly looked like suchhhh a loser!!!!! lmao ahahahahha- dat was theee funniest thing today
anyways.. so today there was dis like assembly thing and nelson was in the row in front of me and mr t was walking past dat row and nelson said sometin dat like made me show him the middle finger and when i was doing dat mr t was waving at meee!!! and he thought i showed him the finger!!!! it was sooooooooooooooooo badd!!!!!! but he didnt get me in trouble but i still thing he was mad... but woww talk bout embarassment |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2004|08:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
so... its 8 30 im listening to rem and i have a really bad head ache... wow dis songs reallyyy gay .. there better.... now im listening to another rem song... anyways... dis morning i was enjoying trying to stand on my wieghts... and altho it w as fun for some time... i tripped.. and hurt my self... wat makes it worst is dat i was on the phone ... :@
well dats basically my life's story on mary 28th :)... well .. so far.. eww i just remembered i have detention today... and i really dont want to have it... arghhh stupid science teacher flips if ur like less dan a minute late for her class! and curtis got away wit it!!! stupid bastard... im glad he wont reading dis.. i could be risking him not ever talking to me again.. sheesh he's the most sensitive guy!!!
well. k. i. will. stop. boring. you. dis. instance.
:) ciaoooo!! hehe all italian... isnt it awesome!! love uzzz |
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[May. 27th, 2004|11:23 pm] |
right.. so ive been such a nerd today studying my ass off for nabuda and kulcsar... well not realy kulcsar.. but dats only cuz he doesnt count
anyways... my heads screaming cuz it hurts... and i just found sometin interesting out.. barny has a cd out!!! how wicked awesome is dat!!!!!!!! i think.. but den i found out he was a pedafile ... dat just scared me
anyways.. dese past two days.. der was dead cat wit like his eyes outa its sockets on the side of the road which scared mary shitless... it was quite funny ... hehe i like dat word.. quite... kinda gay tho.. meh
anyway.. today dese really really really relayyy hotttt!!!!!! guys from huron heights came to our skool and i was just like :O wow!!!!!!! fuckkkkk !!!!!!! wooowwww!!!! meeeee!!!! wowwww!!!!!!!!
anyways.. i realy relay relay lreya lreya wanna go der!!! arghh!!!1 stupid skool an hour away!!! arghh!!!! ohhhh i have a genious plan.. ill make friends wit someone at huron heights... den.. skip a day and go visit him/her ... and meet all the hot guys from the skool and be all like ... wowww!!!!!!!!!! fuckkkk!!!!! woooowwww!!!! meeee!!!! wowwww!!!!
anyway.. on another note (hehe i love it wen i sound smart.. but den i ruin it by saying somtin like dis.... meh w/e) apparantly i ditched mary today.. even tho i thougt she ditched me.. and i got mad.. cuz i had to walk by myself.. very mad.. .vary vary madd.. "vary" is spelled wit an e isnt it?
welll im gannna go nowww love u alllll!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2004|11:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
i just saw house of sand and fog... omg i hate that movie soooooooooooo muchh!!!! made me bawlll!!! i dont remember the last time i fucking cried so much... like my eyes were beyonddd red!! it was omg!!!!!!
my head hurts from crying so much
...
anyways... last nite i saw troy... omg brad pitt ... *drools* was butttt naked... i swear he's the sexiest man on earth... damn jennifer aniston!! gets to wake up to dat every morning!! and shes not even dat pretty!!! brad pitt's too good for her!
but seriously ... dont watch house of w/e! like its horrible dey show the guy commiting suicide after his like 14 year old son gets shot (dey showed dat too)
its just horribllleeee!!! |
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[May. 21st, 2004|05:24 pm] |
EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UGLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
MARY IM GANNA BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW GROOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GROOOSS GROSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW |
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[May. 21st, 2004|05:01 pm] |
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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGO MGOMG!!!!!! MARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!>>>>> SOME GUY FROM HURON HIGHTS ADDED MEEEEE LMAO!!!!! :D maybe he's cute lol... tim... at first i thougght it was our tim.. but turns out he goes to huron hights.... PLLZZZZZ LETS GOOOOOOO DER NEXXXTT YEARR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2004|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
-ITS LKE U HAVE ESPN OR SOMETIN? (mimicking mean girls but i dont think stan got it)
\\ Stanny | Anarky | Realistikz // Yazberry and I are ghetto to the teeth! says:
-Or I just know what girls really like? Damn I'm so good with girls.. it's amazing how I dont have me one.. jksjks
AHAHAHAHHAH HOW FUNNY AND CUTE IS DATT!!!! LMAOOOOOOO |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2004|09:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | wat do u think dat is? | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | exit music-radio head | ] |
I HATE MARYANAAAAA... DAT WHORE GOT ME OBSESSED WIT TALKSHOW HOST- ITS SUCH A WIERD GREAT SONG- MAKES U FEEL alll hottt and sexyyy and just soo wierdddd.. its a really really sexy song
!!!1
OMG I LOOOOVEE RADIO HEAD!!! ITS CRAZYYY!!!!!!!
anyway.... i reallyy realy relayyyr eallyyyyy feel like reading a magazine.. like i desperately need to read a magazine- its crazyness!!!! i tell uuuuu !!
craznesss!!!!!!
ny way- today---
> not so much a bad day... ate a whole lot but... dats okayyy1!! ill go excersise tomorow! I REALY REALY REALY WANNA PLAY TENNIS TOMROOW- stupid stannnnnnnnn wont come wit meee1!!!! arghh- anyone wanna play tennisss tomorow? :) pllzzz :D |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2004|09:53 pm] |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-"You know you cant just buy me a guitar everytime you screw up..."
-"Yea.. i know.. but then der's always the drumbs, a base and maybe oneday a tamborine!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2004|05:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
these friggen picture things are pissing me off arghh
i found dis picture of betty boop and spend an hour tryin to l like make the file thing small but the friggin other thing said it was too big... wth??????????????????? arghhh mad |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2004|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  and ditzy.. and happy.. N gay | ] |
so... today.. very very loooonggg dayyyy!!!> i woke dis morning at like arounddddd mmmm 7! and den i called maryy.. woke her all uppp!!! and made her come rollerblading wit meeeeeee!! so we went rollerblading (looooossinnng weighhhthtttt i can feel it already!!!!) n den.. we went bak and i took a quick shower ate breakfast - oh and wen i got home.. i could not..NOTTTTT... walk up the stairs.. it hurtttt i was in painnnn!!!!!!!! pain i tell u paiinnn!!!!_ and den we WALKED (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to skoooollll!!!!_ and for the first time mary wasnt late!!!!! :O ny ways.. skooll.. hmmm.. nuttin really happened mary left second last period to go to mak but i was too chicken shit to skip.... but!!! i left rite after skool and met joey.. who was much nicer dan b4 but.. um.. still sorta wierd.. i dunno.. mayb its cuz i hardly know him... meh.. i met jen and zen... who ive been dyiiiinggggg to meet.. and marina looked as gorgeous as ever!!! anddd i saw JESSICAAA!!!!_ i lovvee jessica.. oh and i saw vickieeeee and stannyyy and danielle.. much greatnesss.
anyway... WE WALKED HOOOMEEEE!!!! from alex mackkk!!! maryyy tooo much excercisseeee!!!!! N I got home and ate for like and hour (put on bou 10 pounds) den i went to skool to help out wit the playyyyy and now its 10 and i just got home.. i am very very very tired.... kk i g2g now ;) |
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uncoveredbrunet's journal